A letter to my 2013 PCT self.

A new group of Peace Corps volunteers are getting ready in America to start an adventure similar to mine. In a few months Group 127 will get on an airplane fly to America and begin the Peace Corps Thailand adventure. I can't believe it, it seems like I just walked off that airplane myself. Here is a letter I would write to myself one year ago on the beginning of my Peace Corps journey. 

Dear 2013 Peace Corps Trainee Kaya, 

Congratulations making it off the plane. I know you weren't sure if you could even make it that far. It's ok, over this year you will realize you are stronger than you ever knew. From the moment you get to Thailand you will be sick you will fight through this and learn the spoons theory to help you make sense of just never having as many spoons as you need or as most people have. You will make friends with some amazing people.  You lucked out big time by getting the best roommate ever, soon you will know how perfect of a match it is when you go back to your hotel room exhausted and just listen to the Grateful Dead with Lauren Anderson. Little do you know that your roommate from staging will be your roommate for every Peace Corps Thailand event here on out. 

You don't realize it now, but getting your MSW (Masters of Social Work) totally changed you. Becoming aware of your own privilege and oppressed identities, microaggressions, and social justice has opened your eyes and you can't ever turn blind eye again.  You will realize that for the past two years you have been very fortunate to live in a bubble where people call out each other and hold one another accountable for oppression, not everyone in the world is like that.  You will make friends with people in Group 126 that you would probably never have been friends with in America. You will all get on each others nerves, but honestly what else can you expect. You will spend 10 weeks with these people seeing them 6 days a week for at least 8 hours a day....seeing anyone that much is a lot even someone you love let alone stranger.  After you get sworn in you will miss every last person no matter how much they got on your nerves in training. 

Kaya you really luck out in the host family department.  I know that you are asking all the current volunteers about their housing situation because you already know that you want to move into your own house. I'm going to let you in on a secret, you score a housing situation better than you could have ever thought and you still live with a host family. Also you will get 3 dogs who all have names of Thai drinks you will be scared at them at first and they will almost eat you but you never end up actually getting hurt and they fall in love with you.  Your host family during PST (Pre-Service Training) will become your family faster than you could have imagined. They will be a perfect match for you. You end up first coming out to your host sisters week 3 of PST at a KFC...its great. You have the best little host sister in the world and Matthew will become a part of your family too. Weeks during PST will be hard but soon you will discover "Sunday Funday" and you and Matt will become the best of friends.  Your second host family will be nothing like your first and no one will tell you this.  When you first arrive at site it will be like ripping a band aid off and you will feel very alone.  Actually if I am being honest with you the hardest part of your experience will be your first month at site.  You will grow so much and you will survive.  I know that you want to learn how to be alone with yourself and fall in love with Kaya, you get plenty of time to do that.  You actually get in touch with your introvert side and start needing alone time.  You will be lonely but you will make friends.  The first month with your new host family will be so awkward. Like I said this will be the hardest month, but once you start picking up Thai more you will realize how amazing your host mom is! Seriously you have the best host mom ever, just keep your chin up kid! 

Learning Thai will frustrate the hell out of you. You will have a break down day 3 of being in Thailand and cry during a Language lesson and scare your poor Thai teacher by breaking face.  There will be some people in your group that pick it up so easy and this may discourage you. You will learn that some people are just really good at picking up languages and you Kaya... just aren't one of those people.  You will not pass the Language test the first time but you won't care.  Actually as it turns out in your town people will speak Khmer, Laos, Sohi, and Thai so it won't really matter that you didn't make it to Intermediate Low level of Thai. You will go to site and start from basically square one with Language. Its ok you will be eventually get it, you pass the language test with an Intermediate Low at Reconnect 6 months into your service. 

I know that you say that you don't have any expectations now but...you do. Deep down inside I know that you want to be placed in Southern Thailand because...beaches, am I right. Well I hate to burst your bubble but you end up no where close to a beach.  Actually on the day you find out your site you look on a map and think you are on an Ocean and then you realize....its not an Ocean it is Cambodia. You are placed in Issan on the Cambodian boarder. You will not be happy about being placed in Surin at first because, like I said, you had some expectations. You will create worries in your head about your site and none of those worries will be valid.  Actually you will come to learn that you were placed at the most perfect site for you. Issan is the culture capitol of Thailand, there will be parites every week in your community for another holiday. The people of Surin know how to party. They are the best people in Thailand.  You will be yourself from day one showing your tattoos and piercings and no one will bat an eye. Not only will you get to experience Thai tradition but Khmer culture as well! Trust me when I say that you end up right where you are supposed to be, but there will be heartbreak...Matthew will be placed really far away from you.  Actually you end up being the only Group 126 volunteer in Surin, but don't fear. You get placed by someone who becomes one of your best friends and greatest support system in Thailand. Just wait until you meet Meredith!! You will know you love her when you go into town to meet her for a burger and a beer and she is wearing the cute David Bowie shirt.  She is amazing and your host mom falls in love with her too! 

You will come to detest the question.."So what are you doing in Thailand?"....you wont actually have any projects come to fruition in Thailand until 10 months into your service.  Don't worry about that, just focus on spending time with people and becoming a part of your community.  You will go to some weird things and see some crazy stuff...enjoy it. Just wait it keeps getting better. Soon you too will just say Oh, Thailand! 

Right now, just focus on spending time with all the people you love back in America. You will have plenty of time to worry about Thailand in Thailand.  Snuggle with your mom as much as you can, seriously anytime that woman is around just hold her.  Go out with your friends.  Pet your dog so much your hand gets numb, you will miss Sebastian just as much as you think you will but don't worry he falls in love with your mom... but he doesnt forget you. His ears will perk up on Skype dates with your mom and he will learn the Viber ring tone is you calling.  I know you are beginning to realize how amazing and perfect Katie is.. just wait she gets better.  She is always with you, the distance will be hard but she is always there. Eat all the food you can in America. Don't worry about getting in shape or blah blah blah for Thailand, eat. Eat all the cheese you are going to be missing. Rub butter all over your body because you won't see it again for a long ass time.  

Most of all enjoy the ride.  You will soon realize you have absolutely no control in Thailand.  Throw up your hands and go.  You are about to go on a better adventure than you ever could have expected. The crazy stories you will be able to tell a year from now will be amazing.   

Love, 

Your slightly older 2014 PCV Kaya 

Heart of the matter...

I think I have figured why writing is so hard for me...I don't want to write about the now. When I start to write and tell about Thailand a million memories come to my mind, I get so overwhelmed I don't know where to start. Not just Thailand memories but life memories. I think to myself "I should write that down" then I get discouraged because I have lived quite the life and have never been a writer. Then I realize I am 24, I still have a lot of life to live and a lot of time to write.

It has been intense over here in my mind, body, and heart. Such a growing process. I think the way Peace Corps changes the world is by changing the hearts and opening the minds of Americans. For me, I am changing the world because I am changing my heart. That is a big deal.

My idea of being a Peace Corps volunteer was never that I would serve and bring all these great ideas to people. As a social worker and a human it is important for me to be aware of culture and respect it, to never think I have all the answers, and to always look for strengths.

I want to share with you some strengths about Thailand and my community that I have noticed...

Thais always take care of their Elders and each other. Old people are honored and respected. This last week was mothers day. My whole family came into town from Bangkok. All my host sisters and brothers are grown and out of the house. It is so beautiful to see the family interact when everyone is here. My Yai (grandma) is very old and my Mae spends her days taking care of her, but when the kids come into town they help.  Help shower her, help feed her, help change her, snuggle her, and love her so much. My Yai is loved. So very loved and honored. Along with every other elderly person in my village. They never go hungry and they are always honored no matter what.

Thais also take care of each other.  I have a few individuals in my village that developmentally disabled.  They all have friends and they all live together. Everyone sees them as family. They are always fed and no one is afraid of them like some people may be in America. They are loved. We don't have any homeless people in my village. If you don't have a place to sleep, you can sleep at the Wat. You could never possible go hungary in my town. Everyone is always asking everyone if they ate, when, what, and are they ready to eat again!

Today I went to my Tessaban (government office) and found out some things that had recently happened in my community.....which I had no clue about.  Apparently on Mothers Day all of the kids, Tessaban Workers, and families planted trees and made compost. I had this great idea that I was going to start up a compost and gardening club that would just be amazing. Today I found out they have it already.  At first I was really bummed that no one told me about this tree planting party or that they had a super awesome compost system at the school...but then I realized...it is great they don't need me for that! They already have those skills and systems in place and that is awesome.

They also did a Global Warming Campaign with the school. Teaching about all different ways that we can do our part to help Global Warming. Now this....this was comical to me because here I am serving in the peace corps in a 3rd world country and they RECOGNIZE Global Warming. It also gave me hope.  The World is not just one nation, country or culture...it is all of us and we all have to work together to take care of it.

To close this out I would like to answer the question everyone has been asking me.."What exactly do you do?"

I am working on my heart. I am learning how to be a better global citizen. I am building relationships. I am becoming part of a family. I am becoming part of a community. I will never be the same.

Thai-way or the highway. Embracing the difference.

Peace Corps is unlike anything I have ever done in my life. It continues to challenge me daily and I don't plan on it getting less challenging anytime soon. I feel like I have had a personal breakthrough recently and have discovered some revelations that are true for myself. I still struggle with the challenge of writing down all the thoughts I have in my head and explaining this experience in words. So bear with me as I try. First I will lay some foundation....

#1 Culture Shock. Cultural differences.

Here in Thailand up is down. Left is right. Towels for your feet are used for your face. Toilet paper is kept in the kitchen to use as a napkin and there is a sprayer in the bathroom for your bottom. They put corn in sweet treats such as ice cream. Busses, trains, vans, and all forms of transportation come and go as they please and people wait without complaint because this is Thailand.

I remember one of my first papers in Grad School was about my world view. How my growing up determined how I viewed things. How my world view was shaped and what I see as right and wrong. I have gone back to that paper. Re-read it and re-wrote it. In the two years since I wrote that paper my world view has completely changed and I know that after being in Thailand for two years my world view will continue to change.

Through my current world view, here are some cultural aspects about Thailand that are challenging for me:

Kids are still hit in schools. It starts young, like preschool. It is hard, not on the butt and usually done in front of others to cause embarrassment.

Critical thinking is not encouraged. You do not challenge your teacher. What the teacher says is truth. Your teacher is seen as a second parent raising you.

If you have a problem with someone, it more appropriate for you to tell your problem to the persons friend rather then directly to them. The friend can then tell the friend.

Nothing is direct.

Yes means no sometimes. You can agree to go somewhere and know right well you don't plan on going but say yes anyway. When you don't show up....its ok.

There is a concept called "saving face" this means that self control, self respect, and the respect of others in the social hierarchy are VERY important. To put it in other terms, saving face is a major case of keeping up appearances. If you "break someones face" it is more on you than them. You are making a fool out of yourself, not the other person.
Gentle example: A man who works at high level in the local health office liked making fun of me for being a boy. Saying I was the prettiest boy ever. Making fun of me in a less than kind way. If I would have said to him something along the lines of "why are you being a jerk to me?" or  "stop being rude" I would have broken his face. In turn showing that I am not mature enough to handle my emotions.
Not so gentle example: You see a man physically abusing a woman near your house. You start yelling for it to stop and don't know what to do. Someone tells you that the two individuals are part of your host families extended family, and the correct action to take during this is to stand back and let the elder of the family handle it.  By intervening in such a scene would result in you disrespecting the Elder of your house, the man abusing the woman, and the woman being abused. You broke their face.
To fully understand the concept of saving face, you have to also understand how Buddhism influences this cultural rule. One of the main points in Buddhism is to remain equanamous, neutral. Not to show aversion or desire to anything.

Now I know that after reading some of those things you yourself are thinking holy shit balls that is so fucked up...so...wrong.

I have to/choose to live in this different society for two years. The first step in understand cultural things that I think are so wrong is to recognize my own world view. Recognize what has shaped me to be the person that I am. How those experiences helped me determine what is right and what is wrong. I have full freedom not to agree with these examples, but I feel like I have an obligation to my community and this society to begin to understand them. To understanding how the general world views of Thais became to be, what influences how they see right and wrong, understanding Thai Buddhism and respecting it. Finding the resiliency in this society. It is not my responsibility to bring my American world views to Thailand and say "you're doing it all wrong".  It is my responsibility to come to Thailand and say, show me your culture, I will respect your culture. I am in your culture now, I need to adjust to see things differently.

Step 1...Know your personal world view
Step 2...Be aware of the differences in your personal world view and the world view of the society you are living in.
Step 3...Know that no world view is right or wrong, it is different.
Step 4...Breath in, breath out. Check yourself. Thank the people around you for putting up with you, Don't expect for the society you are living in to apologize to you for the fact that they do things differently from you...Realize you need to change to be more culturally appropriate to them, not visa versa.
Step 5...Recognize your personal judgements, become aware, understand them, and let them go. Don't feel guilty for having judgments. Just recognize them and move on.

Rinse. Repete.